


The Weight of These Chains

by Kmandergirl



Series: Idalya Mahariel Stories [6]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, Drug Addiction, F/M, Swearing, argument
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-13
Updated: 2018-04-13
Packaged: 2019-04-22 12:56:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 609
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14309103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kmandergirl/pseuds/Kmandergirl
Summary: During Cullen's lyrium withdrawal, Evelyn made only one request of him, but it was the one thing he couldn't grant her- his freedom.Once & Again Universe One-shot





	The Weight of These Chains

**Author's Note:**

> When mass editing breaks my brain, I stop my work on O&A and do these simple character studies. Just brief moments off-screen to give myself more insight into the characters and their motivations. I thought I would post the ones that aren't massive spoilers to the later plot, so the readers could see behind the curtain. Hope you enjoy.

_Slam._

The tomb crashed into the stone wall just over Cullen’s shoulder. He pictured the anguish etched onto her portrait of a face should he turn. _Fury. Sorrow._ Every violent emotion he’d caused.

His flexing fists yearned for an opponent he could throttle into submission, one he could fight into understanding.

Evelyn was not that kind of opponent.

“ _Take the fucking lyrium_.” Her tone was shattered glass, the scorched remnants of a life he thought he could live without repercussion.

It wasn’t a request, but neither was it an order. An order to drink the vials of bottled hymns would come as her desperation pushed her toward that conclusion.

He would quit. That’s what he told himself. The Commander of her armed forces would hang his mantle and return _home_. Honnleath burned to the ground during the Blight, but his siblings rebuilt in South Reach. A place, so far, unscathed by rifts and roving demons.

But could he leave _her_?

He'd destroyed the Chantry’s chains to confirm it could happen. Fighting withdrawal and Evelyn was a losing battle. He’d lose regardless of the victor.

“Cullen, I _demand_ you answer me.”

He’d faced the exit of his office since his volume of battle enactments flew past his head. If he turned, his courage would splinter. His failures toppling out to her misshapen feet for her to reassemble.

“Ev, I _can_ _’t_.” He wished she knew the numbness as lyrium flooded your system, pushing your fear and doubts away until all that remained was a shell with a face of a man who long since corroded away.

“What are you trying to prove? You abandoned the Chantry. You _did_ that, Cullen.” Fear dripped from her words like crimson teardrops from an open wound. “Do I have to _beg_ you not to die?”

_No, he did not want that._

If she pleaded, he would drain the bottle without hesitation. He hungered for lyrium and her like a parched man in the desert.

Cullen Rutherford high on lyrium was a stranger she'd never had the misfortune to meet. A man lacking morals and heart.  
Evelyn deserved someone _whole._ A lover who didn’t tremble with every breath as his addiction raged inside him, a clawed beast fighting its path to the surface. She’d recoil in repugnant horror of the man he became once that vial touched his lips

“I’m sorry. You’ve asked so _little_ of me while I’ve battled through this, but I can’t do it.”

Never once had she faltered in her care. She’s woken him from hallucinations, identified medical remedies for his headaches through Dorian, tidied the streams of vomit left behind as he purged away images of demons with stolen faces.

“ _I can_ _’t watch you die.”_

His heart shattered as the first sob excited her chest. Outside nightmares, he’d never heard her cry. She kept her fear compartmentalized for her obligation to the Inquisition. He had crumbled her barriers, left her helpless to the onslaught he refused to hinder.

“ _I know._ ” His words were frigid in contradiction to the humid air of Skyhold as he exited his office and let the door _slam_ behind him.

Every inch of his flesh screamed for him to return and beg her forgiveness, beg her to love the broken man he was, that would be enough.

But it would never be enough for a man with a paralyzed soul.

He quelled his tears as Evelyn’s broken scream echoed from within his closed office. A cacophony erupted as more objects fell victim to her hysteria.

The path ahead was unknown, but he would own his destiny free of the Chantry’s chains no matter the cost.

 

**Author's Note:**

> If you're interested to read more about Evelyn and Cullen, please check out Once & Again and it's Cullen/Evelyn focused prequel "Burning in the Flames". Both can be found in the "Idalya Mahariel Stories" link above. 
> 
> Thank you for reading.


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